Get Resources
Tools and resources in your community. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Supporting Friends and Family – What to say and how to help
Knowing what to say to someone who may be experiencing violence can be overwhelming and frightening. Though it’s hard there are ways to help. The most important tool is to be a friend, listen, and remember you don’t have to have all the answers.
Listen without judgement
Remember, if someone you know discloses that they are currently experiencing abuse or have been abused or sexually assaulted in the past, this could be the first time they’re telling anyone. Listening without judgment or blame and letting them know they’re not alone can make a huge difference. If the victim/survivor is in need of support, ask them if they’d like to talk to a professional counselor, and offer to sit with them while they call one of the 24-hour national hotlines. While you may have a strong reaction to what you’ve heard, it’s important to focus and fully listen to the survivor’s words. And if you’re in need of support for yourself after being there for your loved one, the hotlines can offer you help as well.
Let them know that you believe them
By letting a victim/survivor know that you believe them, you can change that person’s life. A victim/survivor may feel like what happened to them is their fault. It’s not unusual for victims/survivors to experience self-blame, doubt or denial. This could be the first time they’re telling someone so reassurance that you believe them and that this was not their fault can go a long way to making that person feel comfortable getting the help they need and deserve.
It can be helpful to communicate the following gently and repeatedly:
- “Nothing you did or could’ve done differently makes this your fault.”
- “The responsibility is on the person who hurt you.”
- “No one ever has the right to hurt you.”
- “I promise, you didn’t ask for this.”
- “I know that it can feel like you did something wrong, but you didn’t.”
- “It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t _. No one asks to be hurt in this way.”
Ask what you can do to help
Ask what more you can do to help and know where to point someone to for more help. You can also reach out to national hotlines for free, confidential help and/or referrals to local advocacy centers that offer additional counseling or assistance.
Support their choices
It is critical for a victim/survivor to regain their sense of control and agency. Support their decisions instead of pushing them to take actions that they may not feel comfortable with (such as reporting to police or seeking counseling).
If a victim/survivor wants to talk, try to be an open listener. If they prefer not to talk about the assault, then try to be supportive in other ways, such as letting them know that you care about them and are willing to listen at a later time.
Balance their safety with their wishes about confidentiality: always respect the victim’s/survivor’s confidentiality and don’t tell others about their experience without explicit permission and consent. However, if you believe there to be immediate danger, call 911.
Finally, encourage them to reach out to the national hotlines for help and guidance. If you need someone to talk to, the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the National Sexual Assault Helpline can support you too as you’re figuring out how to support someone else. They’re free and confidential.
Self Care – Remember to take care of yourself and not become overwhelmed.
Domestic violence and sexual assault can be extremely difficult and painful experiences for the families and friends of victims/survivors. Common feelings of those supporting victims/survivors include helplessness, frustration, anger and guilt. It can be helpful to talk with someone. Confidential support is available.
(Material from nomore.org)
