Control
Controlling behavior is a way for the abuser to maintain dominance over the victim. Controlling behavior, the belief that they are justified in the controlling behavior, and the resultant abuse is the core issue in domestic violence. It is often subtle, almost always insidious, and pervasive. This may include but is not limited to:
- Checking the mileage on the odometer following their use of the car.
- Monitoring phone calls, using caller ID or other number monitoring devises, not allowing the victim to make or receive phone calls.
- Not allowing their freedom of choice in terms of clothing styles or hairstyle. This may include forcing the victim to dress in a specific way such as more seductively or more conservatively than they are comfortable.
- Calling or coming home unexpectedly to check up on them. This may initially start as what appears to be a loving gesture, but becomes a sign of jealousy or possessiveness.
- Invading their privacy by not allowing them time and space of their own.
- Forcing or encouraging dependency by making the victim believe they’re incapable of surviving or performing simple tasks without the abuser or on their own.
- Using the children to control the victim parent by using the children as spies, threatening to kill, hurt or kidnap the children, physical and/or sexual abuse of the children, and threats to call Department of Child Safety (DCS, formerly CPS) if the mother leaves the relationship.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is any physically aggressive behavior, withholding of physical needs, indirect physically harmful behavior, or threat of physical abuse. This may include but is not limited to:
- Hitting, kicking, biting, slapping, shaking, pushing, pulling, punching, choking, beating, scratching, pinching, pulling hair, stabbing, shooting, drowning, burning, hitting with an object, threatening with a weapon, or threatening to physically assault.
- Withholding of physical needs including interruption of sleep or meals, denying money, food, transportation, or help if sick or injured, locking victim into or out of the house, refusing to give or rationing necessities.
- Abusing, injuring, or threatening to injure others like children, pets, or special property.
- Forcible physical restraint against their will, being trapped in a room or having the exit blocked, being held down.
- The abuser hitting or kicking walls, doors, or other inanimate objects during an argument, throwing things in anger, destruction of property.
- Holding the victim hostage.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is using sex in an exploitative fashion or forcing sex on another person. Having consented to sexual activity in the past does not indicate current consent. Sexual abuse may involve both verbal and physical behavior. This may include, but is not limited to:
- Using force, coercion, guilt, or manipulation or not considering the victim’s desire to have sex. This may include making the victim have sex with others, have unwanted sexual experiences, or be involuntarily involved in prostitution.
- Exploiting a victim who is unable to make an informed decision about involvement in sexual activity because of being asleep, intoxicated, drugged, disabled, too young, too old, or dependent upon or afraid of the perpetrator.
- Laughing or making fun of another’s sexuality or body, making offensive statements, insulting, or name-calling in relation to the victim’s sexual preferences/behavior.
- Making contact with the victim in any nonconsensual way, including unwanted penetration (oral, anal or vaginal) or touching (stroking, kissing, licking, sucking or using objects) on any part of the victim’s body.
- Exhibiting excessive jealousy resulting in false accusations of infidelity and controlling behaviors to limit the victim’s contact with the outside world.
- Having affairs with other people and using that information to taunt the victim.
- Withholding sex from the victim as a control mechanism.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is any behavior that exploits another’s vulnerability, insecurity, or character. Such behaviors include continuous degradation, intimidation, manipulation, brainwashing, or control of another to the detriment of the individual. This may include but is not limited to:
- Insulting or criticizing to undermine the victim’s self-confidence. This includes public humiliation, as well as actual or threatened rejection.
- Threatening or accusing, either directly or indirectly, with intention to cause emotional or physical harm or loss. For instance, threatening to kill the victim or themself, or both.
- Using reality distorting statements or behaviors that create confusion and insecurity in the victim like saying one thing and doing another, stating untrue facts as truth, and neglecting to follow through on stated intentions. This can include denying the abuse occurred and/or telling the victim they’re is making up the abuse. It might also include crazy making behaviors like hiding the victim’s keys and berating them for losing them.
- Consistently disregarding, ignoring, or neglecting the victim’s requests and needs.
- Using actions, statements or gestures that attack the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth with the intention to humiliate.
- Telling the victim they’re mentally unstable or incompetent.
- Forcing the victim to take drugs or alcohol.
- Not allowing the victim to practice their religious beliefs, isolating them from the religious community, or using religion as an excuse for abuse.
- Using any form of coercion or manipulation which is disempowering to the victim
Isolation
Isolation is a form of abuse often closely connected to controlling behaviors. It is not an isolated behavior, but the outcome of many kinds of abusive behaviors. By keeping the victim from seeing who they want to see, doing what they want to do, setting and meeting goals, and controlling how the victim thinks and feels, the perpetrator is isolating the victim from the resources (personal and public) which may help them leave the relationship. By keeping the victim socially isolated the batterer is keeping the victim from contact with the world which might not reinforce the perpetrator’s perceptions and beliefs. Isolation often begins as an expression of their love for the victim with statements like, “if you really loved me you would want to spend time with me, not your family”. As it progresses, the isolation expands, limiting or excluding their contact with anyone but the batterer. Eventually, the victim is left totally alone and without the internal and external resources to change their life.
Some victims isolate themselves from existing resources and support systems because of the shame of bruises or other injuries, the perpetrator’s behavior in public, or the perpetrator’s treatment of friends or family. Self-isolation may also develop from fear of public humiliation or from fear of harm to themselves or others. The victim may also feel guilty for the abuser’s behavior, the condition of the relationship, or a myriad of other reasons, depending on the messages received from the abuser.
Verbal Abuse
Coercion, Threats, & Blame: Verbal abuse is any abusive language used to denigrate, embarrass or threaten the victim. This may include but is not limited to:
- Threatening to hurt or kill the victim or her children, family, pets, property or reputation.
- Name calling (‘ugly’, ‘bitch’, ‘whore’, or ‘stupid’)
- Telling victim they’re is unattractive or undesirable.
- Yelling, screaming, rampaging, terrorizing or refusing to talk
Economic Abuse
Financial abuse is a way to control the victim through manipulation of economic resources.
This may include, but is not limited to:
- Controlling the family income and either not allowing the victim access to money or rigidly limiting their access to family funds. This may also include keeping financial secrets or hidden accounts, putting the victim on an allowance or allowing the victim no say in how money is spent, or making them turn their paycheck over to the perpetrator. Causing the victim to lose a job or preventing them from taking a job. The abuser can make the victim lose their job by making them late for work, refusing to provide transportation to work, or by calling/harassing/calling them at work.
- Spending money for necessities (food, rent, utilities) on nonessential items (drugs, alcohol, hobbies.)
Stalking
Below is a list of common stalking behaviors. Stalking during a relationship or after it has ended is high-risk behavior. It is typically defined as the willful, malicious and repeated following or harassing of another person, accompanied by a credible threat of violence. It has been increasingly recognized as a serious crime in the United States. Safety precautions must be taken if it is occurring to you or someone you love! And remember, in most states, these behaviors are also against the law.
- Mailing cards or other cryptic messages
- Breaking windows, breaking into or vandalizing partner’s home
- Taking partner’s mail
- Leaving things, such as flowers on doorstep or at work
- Watching partner from a distance
- Hang-up calls on the telephone
- Following partner with a car or on foot
- Hiding in bushes or other surveillance of partner’s home
- Surveillance of partner at work
- Other trespassing
- Vandalizing partner’s property
- Destroying property to scare or intimidate partner
- Stealing things from partner
- Breaking into partner’s house or car
- Filing numerous pleadings in court cases
- Filing for custody of children regardless of their needs
- Not respecting visitation limitations
- Harassing telephone calls or notes
- Violation of restraining orders
(Material from the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence)
