10 Excuses Domestic Violence Survivors Tell Themselves
There is no justification for abuse by a partner, but it’s also hard to admit you’re a victim
It doesn’t happen all the time.
This is one of the most confounding things about abuse. Those who abuse rarely are abusive 24/7.
But he’s never hit me.
Abuse can take many forms, not just physical (e.g., hitting, shoving, kicking, throwing things, punching the wall, strangulation). Abuse can be psychological, mental or emotional. It can look like bullying, name-calling, lying, gaslighting, shaming or embarrassing a partner on purpose, and isolation from friends and family.
Other people endure worse than this.
The comparison game is an easy one to play, but it’s not helpful.
He’s so romantic/caring/attentive when he’s not angry.
Love-bombing is when the abuser showers the survivor in gifts or feigns interest in everything the survivor likes in order to create a false sense of deep connection
He can’t help it—he had a traumatic childhood.
Childhood trauma or not—being abusive toward a partner is a choice.
Things will get better after we have a baby.
Who wouldn’t soften at the sight of a baby? Unfortunately, an abusive partner who feels entitled to all of their partner’s attention, that’s who. Statistics show that pregnancy escalates an abusive partner’s power and control tactics.
He’s only like this when he drinks. Once he gets sober, it’ll stop.
Many abusers will use the alcohol excuse to minimize their abusive choices or to guilt a survivor into staying with them until they can “get better.”
I can lose my temper too. I think we’re both at fault.
Many survivors question or berate themselves for reacting to an abuser in the moment. A survivor may yell back or even fight back when abused. This reaction is not the same as being abusive.
No one else will ever love me so I may as well stay with them.
This is simply not true. I don’t even know you, reader who is reading this. But I can tell you it isn’t true.
I can’t tell anyone my girlfriend/wife is abusing me—I just need to “man up.”
Men, I hate to break it to you, but you are not immune to domestic violence. And there is no “manning up” in the world that will make your life with an abusive partner feel OK. The Department of Justice estimates at least 835,000 men are physically assaulted by intimate partners every year.
Do you recognize any of these excuses in yourself or someone close to you?
Find the full article:
10 Excuses Domestic Violence Survivors Tell Themselves
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