H.A.V.E.N. Update
By Cathleen Osborne-Gowey (Program Admin – Crime Victim Advocate) COsbornegowey@estoo.net
Upcoming Events for September:
Support Group – please call office date and time
Food Bag Distribution – Daily Event in Miami (call our office for details)
Please call our office or look on our social media sights (Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram) and our website (havenprogram.com) for updates.
Program Update:
Hello all –
Summer has come to an end and fall is near. Gracious, where did your summer go? Many of us are feeling the stress of COVID, tight finances, and the uncertainty of this coming fall and winter. Though much has changed, it’s important to remember that HAVEN is always here to help. If you find that you are living in fear, have been assaulted, or are a victim of another crime please know our advocates are here to help.
On a positive note, our program was awarded the Family Violence Prevention Tribal Grant through the Department of Health and Human Services. This small grant is essential for our program to serve the diverse needs of our clients.
Also, we are proud to announce our new In-House Advocate and Outreach Coordinator, Tracie Delano, has begun work in our office! Here is a special introduction from Tracie:
“Hello! My name is Tracie DeLano and I am working as the new In-House Advocate and Outreach Coordinator at HAVEN. If my name sounds familiar it is probably because I grew up in this area and spent many years working as a health educator with the Ottawa County Health Dept.
I taught the Wise Up program which means I’ve worked with thousands of Ottawa County sixth graders over the years which ensures that every trip to Walmart involves a visit with a past student or parent which is always fun and I enjoy! Building relationships with students and families has always been my favorite part of work and I look forward to developing new relationships in my role at HAVEN.
When I am not working, I like to spend time with my husband Scott traveling, camping, and watching OU football. Our new favorite activity is spending time with our first grandson Knox, who’s 16 months old, and we’ve found becoming grandparents is quite a lot of fun. I am honored to be joining such a wonderful program and look forward to serving the Eastern Shawnee and greater Ottawa County community in this position.“
A Note: For those who read our article last month where we mentioned our Acts of Kindness online event that was to happen this month, our Acts of Kindness event has been postponed to allow our program to assist with a food bag distribution program that will bring food to 400-600 folks a day to the local community. We will hold our Acts of Kindness event later this fall or winter. Please check back in to see when that event will take place.
Start by Believing
(This information and more can be found at startbybelieving.org)
When someone tells you that they were sexually assaulted, the best way to respond is simply to Start by Believing. Survivors are often afraid that others won’t believe them, or that they will blame them for what happened, so it is important to simply listen and offer support and whatever types of assistance they want. Let them take the lead on what they need from you.
How to Identify When Someone is Telling You
If your child, friend or loved one sat down with you and said, “I was raped,” you would most likely respond with love, compassion, and immense concern for that person. Unfortunately, few disclosures of sexual assault begin with this statement.
Instead, the conversation is likely to start with, “Can we talk?” or “Do you have a minute?” The conversation may progress in one of two ways:
Your child, friend or loved one tells you about an ordinary or common situation that seemed safe, until it wasn’t. Many offenders, especially repeat offenders, are charming at first. They act in ways that do not raise concerns by the victim, giving them time to assess their target and set up the situation to decrease the likelihood that the victim will report a sexual assault or that they will be charged with a crime. Some offenders will set up the situation so that their victim will get in trouble for breaking rules, and then assault them. Teens and young adults might be talked into taking risks and doing things they know are wrong, so that they never tell anyone about the assault without risking a lot.
Your child, friend or loved one starts the conversation by saying that they did something that will likely make you mad or disappointed.
Examples of this might include going to a party or going out alone, staying out too late, going to a guy’s house, lying about where they were, meeting up with someone from an online contact, getting into a car with a drunk driver at the wheel, having sex and fearing they are pregnant or have a sexually transmitted infection, drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana or taking drugs, or even committing a crime.
However the conversation begins, your loved one’s first few words are only the beginning.
How to Respond: Pause and Listen
When someone starts to tell you about a situation that makes you upset or disappointed, try to take a deep breath, pause and listen. They may be disclosing an instance of sexual assault to you. They need to tell you, and you need to know. So, allow them the space to do so.
Remember, few people start the conversation with the words, “I was raped.” They may feel guilty and blame themselves for their assault. They may not know what “rape” is. Be prepared to pause, withhold judgement and listen.
No matter what they did or didn’t do, someone else’s violence is not their fault. So, regardless of how it happened, we need to listen and not react to their first words. Be patient as the person struggles to figure out how to put their experience into words.
Some ideas for what to say:
People often wonder what they should say when someone tells them they were sexually assaulted. They worry about saying the “wrong thing,” or somehow making the situation worse.
Don’t worry! The best messages are the simplest ones:
I believe you. I’m sorry this happened. How can I help?
Allow the survivor to speak openly and freely. Let them decide what they want to tell you about the assault – do not force them to talk about it if they aren’t ready.
Also, try not to ask “why” questions. For example: Why didn’t you call me for a ride? Even if you are asking this type of question with the best intentions, it can sound accusatory and may cause further self-blame for the survivor.
When in doubt, just ask the survivor how you can help. For example, ask if they want you to stay with them or go to the health care facility or victim services center with them. Let the survivor know you are there for them, but always let them make the choice to accept your help or not.
If it’s Your Intimate Partner Telling You About Hers or His Assault
If it is your partner who was sexually assaulted (e.g., boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse), be patient with them regarding physical intimacy. Ask your partner if you can touch or hug them. Healing takes time and a lack of desire for physical intimacy is not necessarily a reflection of their feelings towards you, but rather is the result of trauma from the sexual assault.
Helping Them Move Forward
Sexual assault is a serious crime, and the decision to report can be a difficult one. Survivors have the right to take their time when making this decision. Speaking with one of our advocates or information through the startbybelieving.org website will help them learn about the process, but at some point, the survivor will need to decide what to do. You can help to equip them for this decision, but you should not contact authorities or speak on their behalf.
Remember, you are NOT alone. REACH OUT!
If you are able please call or see the messaging links above:
Haven Office: 918-554-2836
Text Line: 918.533.3070
Crime Victim Advocate: 541.602.0616
Program Website: https://havenprogram.com/
Start By Believing Website: https://www.startbybelieving.org/home/
Facebook: HAVEN Tribal Program, Twitter: @ProgramHaven, Instagram: HAVENTRIBALProgram.
Our advocates are here to help!
After hours you can reach our local Community Crisis Center at 1.800.400.0883 and Strong Hearts Tribal Hotline at 1.844.762.8483
