An excerpt from “dear sister” letters from survivors of sexual violence edited by Lisa Factora- Borchers.
Letter 3: It Wasn’t Your Fault by Aaminah Shakur
Dear Sister,
It wasn’t your fault; it was never your fault. You did nothing wrong. Hold tight to your heart: it wasn’t your fault.
At night when you lay there and your mind fills with images and wonder if only, if you had…if you hadn’t… remember, it wasn’t your fault.
When you talk to someone-family, friend, therapist, co-worker, another survivor—you will get the sense that they wonder why you wore that, went there, didn’t think, didn’t know, seemed willing, were unsure and unclear, didn’t scream, didn’t bite…why why why… remember, no matter what they tell you, it wasn’t your fault.
If you whispered, “I love you, “it wasn’t your fault.
If you let it be known that you like girls instead, it still wasn’t your fault.
If you had said yes before, it did not give permission this time, and it still wasn’t your fault.
If you had said, “maybe later,” it still wasn’t your fault that he wouldn’t wait.
If you slept with his friend or “everyone knows you’re easy,” it doesn’t mean they own you and have a right. It still wasn’t your fault.
If you let him in when he was drunk in the middle of the night, it was not an invitation to sex, and it still wasn’t your fault.
You didn’t confuse him. You did not owe him for anything. You didn’t deserve it.
You didn’t make him do it, drive him crazy, make it easier, give him unspoken permission.
When he ignored your words, when he touched you without your permission, when he used your body against your wishes—it was his fault. Not yours.
It was never your fault. Hold this tight to your heart.
It wasn’t your fault. HAVEN Advocates are here to listen.
