Rachel Louise Snyder the author of, “No Visible Bruises, What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us,” spoke at a conference I attended. I found the following excerpt from her book eye-opening on the victim’s perspective of protective orders and the common practice of recanting reported abuse to law enforcement. How would it feel to have a bear after you?
Michelle’s husband Rocky the father of her two young children was released on bail after she had filed a protective order against him.
The following is excerpted from the book:
Michelle’s response was the response of most victims.
She thought of the children. She did not think of the criminal justice system, or whatever domestic violence resources were available to her. She did not calculate what areas of Billings would be off- limits to Rocky with her order of protection. Her response was autonomic: fight or flight? What do you do if a bear is coming at you? Do you rear up and scream to make yourself big or do you play dead? You certainly don’t sit and consider the wildlife protection services that might be available to you if the bear would only give you a little time to gather yourself together.
And then there’s this: the bear isn’t just coming at you. It’s coming at your children, too. What do you do?
Would the district attorney be there, in her house, when Rocky was released? Ready to protect her? Would a police officer be there, gun drawn, convincing Rocky that Michelle and the children hadn’t meant to piss him off? Would her family members be there? Would anyone, anywhere, in any system be there to stop whatever he might do? To stop the rattlesnake from slithering into her bed at three a.m.? To deflect the bullet that might fly from a grandfather’s heirloom rifle? The minute she got the call from Gordon and Sarah (that Rocky had been released), Michelle’s demeanor changed. Her confidence about the restraining order, everything changed.
Michelle recanted.
This is one of the most profoundly misunderstood moments in any domestic violence situation.
Michelle did not recant because she was a coward, or because she believed she had overreacted, or because she believed Rocky to be any less dangerous. She did not recant because she was crazy, or because she was a drama queen, or because any of this was anything less than a matter of life or death. She did not recant because she had lied. She recanted to stay alive. She recanted to keep her children alive.
Victims stay because they know that any sudden movement will provoke the bear.
They stay because they have developed tools, over the years, that have sometimes worked to calm down an angry partner: pleading, begging, cajoling, promising, and public displays of solidarity, including against the very people-police, advocates, judges, lawyers, family-who might be the only ones capable of saving their lives.
They stay because they see the bear coming for them. And they want to live.
Unfortunately, there is not a happy ending with this story.
Killed by Rocky Mosure November 19,2001
HAVEN Advocates are always here to help!
