February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and a great time to remember just how important it is to talk to our teens!
Check out these great resources!
WEBSITE:
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Healthy relationships for young adults can be confusing. Love is more than just the way you feel, and we’re here to help.
www.loveisrespect.org
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VIDEO:
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Dr. Ken Ginsburg gives strategies to help maintain open communication between you and your teen. 0:43 – communication and monitoring 1:45 – things to avoid when communicating with your teen 5:22 – when teens think parents should jump in 6:47 – if they’ve shown you they can handle it- respond accordingly 8:34 – tips to keep communication going 9 …
www.youtube.com
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ARTICLE:
7 Expert Tips for Talking with Teens
1) Control Reactions
The first step in effectively monitoring teens is to learn to monitor our reactions. When parents serve as sounding boards — listening deeply and offering guidance when asked — young people learn to bounce ideas off of us. They allow us to help them consider how things might play out. And to support them to make decisions. On the other hand, when we react strongly, they stop telling us things they think will make us uncomfortable or angry.
2) Be a Good Listener
Adolescents crave adult attention (even though they sometimes push us away). Good listening is respectful. It is about giving someone full attention. Listening, and then reflecting on what you heard can help teens become aware of their own wisdom. Listening respectfully and without judgment does not mean you necessarily agree with what is being said. It is about creating a zone of safety — free from interruption, interrogation, or reaction. Parents who listen know what is going on in their teens’ lives and can protect them when necessary. They can steer their teens away from trouble and learn about areas where limits need to be set. They know when their teens are ready to expand their limits.
One of the best ways to actively listen is to check-in and reflect on what was said. Try, “I think I heard you say ______________” or “Would I be correct to think you meant ______________” or “I was following you up until ________________, could you explain what you meant after that?” This listening style is really about being an active sounding board. Someone that makes sure young people are guided to clarify their own thoughts.
3) React Little
Just as active listening enables you to monitor your teens, reacting to what they say shuts down communication. When we quickly judge, share our concerns, or make accusations, our teens stop talking. When we try to solve their problems, they stop sharing. Non-reaction is the name of the game. Remain calm and aim to listen first.
4) Turn Off the Parent Alarm
The parent alarm screams “My child is in trouble!” It makes parents jump to the rescue before the sentence is completed. Too often we try to rescue our teens by controlling them. “Mom, I met this girl…” immediately translates into “You’re too young to date!” That could have been an opportunity to talk about healthy sexuality — but not anymore. “Dad, what would you say if a friend wants you to get drunk with him?” turns into “I knew it, Zach is a terrible influence on you. Find other friends!” This parent threw away a golden opportunity to discuss navigating peer pressure and the danger of mind-altering substances.
5) Don’t Catastrophize
When teens talk about things that concern us, our natural instinct is to go on full alert. Everything becomes a potential catastrophe that must be solved. “Mom, Dad, I might get a C- in history this quarter” is met with “No son of mine is going to fail!” or “You’ll never get into college!” Unfortunately, these parents won’t hear about grades because their teens won’t want to deal with the drama.
6) Avoid Over-Empathizing
Parents prevent further sharing when they over-empathize and take on their children’s pain as their own. “Mom, I had a huge fight with Teresa. I hate her!” “I don’t blame you! I never liked her. She didn’t treat you well! I can’t stand her mother either.” Here’s the problem. The next day, Teresa is back to being her best friend. But this parent may never know because she took sides. His or her daughter may be too embarrassed to share the fact that her viewpoint and friendship has changed once again.
7) Offer Constructive Feedback
Even subtle messages can have a big impact. Adolescents have incredibly strong sensors that pick up on criticism easily. Their fear of disappointing us, or of being judged by us, may limit further communication. In routine conversations, we can unintentionally minimize, belittle, or shame. “My teacher thinks I may never learn my lines in time for the show. I think she’s right.” If this is met with, “What does he know?” or “Don’t worry you’ll be the star!” or “Don’t cry. It’s really not that bad,” the parent may unintentionally limit the teens’ willingness to share the feedback received from others in the future.
Adolescents still have a desire to please us. However, they are particularly sensitive to our reactions and may stop talking to spare our feelings. They also may shut down if they sense we are trying to control them. On the other hand, they crave our guidance. When our feedback is about helping them shape their own ideas, they will gain resilience and share more often.
The teen years can be a challenge, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have learned that the most challenging teens later produce some really fantastic grandchildren 🙂
Thank you for reading,
