This week has been difficult, HAVEN has had three clients return to their abusers and it is never easy to accept. We were talking about why they go back and I was reminded of this email that I sent out almost two years ago….. It is as true today as it was when I wrote it. The email is a great reminder to continue to do the best we can as advocates, friends, and family to provide a safe, supportive judgment-free zone that they will come back to when they ready to get rid of the toxic shell.
“I can convince myself that peanuts are a great snack and the chocolate is just a little added bonus. Now one must keep in mind, that in moderation this would likely be acceptable, but any of you that know me know that moderation isn’t my strong suit.
In the past month, I have consumed my fair share of mm’s. Let’s be honest, I have not only consumed my share but my family’s share, and likely half of you reading this fair share. Thank goodness it’s a “healthy snack” otherwise I would be in trouble.
I recently weighed and let me just say…..THE SCALE IS BROKEN. I stepped off and back on and the same number appeared. I thought to myself “what in the world, I exercise daily, my meals are portion-controlled healthy choices what is going on?” I grabbed my coat to prepare to leave the gym and heard crackling. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a package of half-eaten peanut mm’s. I proceed to my office and sitting on my desk was a bowl filled with peanut mms.
At that moment I realized choices had to be made. If I wanted peanuts I would simply need to go buy a bag of peanuts. Reality officially set in and it was clear that for me the chocolate was toxic. I could have the peanuts but I would need to give up the chocolate.
Later on that morning, my office phone rang. I began having a conversation with a frantically concerned mother. She didn’t understand why her daughter kept going back to her abusive husband and wanted answers. I reflected and replied…..
SHE LOVES THE PEANUT…….
It is the chocolate abusive shell that causes the issues.
I hope the next time you question why someone stays in a toxic relationship you can reflect and realize THEY LOVE THE PEANUT.
My choice to give up mm’s and go by peanuts is easy, I can still have the peanuts that love I just need to give up the chocolate.
In these relationships, nothing she can do will separate the chocolate from the peanut. He has to make that choice, he has to want to change and seek help….. So she stays with the peanut hoping and praying that one day he will shed his toxic shell so that she can just have the peanut.”
I encourage you to listen and be a support to your friend or loved one in need. Please reach out to HAVEN and we will help to provide direction and encouragement. We need to be understanding and compassionate that they love the peanut but we also need to help her or him realize that it is not ok to be treated this way. We need to help them find the courage and strength to walk away. Together we can help bring an end to domestic violence.
If you have questions or concern about your relationship or the relationship of someone you know…Haven advocates are here to listen and walk you through the next steps.
If you are able please call or see the messaging links above:
Haven Office: 918-554-2836
Text Line: 918.533.3070
Crime Victim Advocate: 541.602.0616
Program Website: https://havenprogram.com/
Program Email: havenprogram@estoo.net
Facebook: HAVEN Tribal Program, Twitter: @ProgramHaven, Instagram: HAVENTRIBALProgram.
Our advocates are here to help!
