Haven FYI – Friday November 21, 2025

Web Editor FYI Weekly
When They’re Not Ready for Help
Realizing that someone you care about may be in an abusive relationship can be heartbreaking and deeply frustrating—especially when they aren’t ready to acknowledge the abuse or seek help. You may feel helpless, unsure of what to say or do, and afraid for their safety. While you can’t force someone to leave a relationship before they’re ready, your support can make a powerful difference. Knowing how to respond in a way that is safe, respectful, and empowering is key.
Here are five steps from domesticshelters.org that you can take as a friend when someone you care about may be experiencing domestic violence.
A survivor may not be ready for help because she’s not yet ready to come to terms with the fact that she’s being abused. Most of us believe we could see an abuser’s tricks from a mile away, but the truth is, abusers can manipulate anyone. And it’s difficult to see the abuse when you’re in the middle of it.
For other survivors, they may realize they’re being abused, but feel too trapped to leave. They may be holding out hope for change, they could be financially or physically dependent on the abuser, or they may fear their life or their children’s lives will be in danger if they try to end the relationship. That’s why it’s important to remember that only a survivor knows when it’s the right time to leave.
In the meantime, here are five ways you can continue to provide support. It’s important to remember that helping a survivor doesn’t mean telling them what to do, especially since that’s the type of control the abuser has been utilizing all along:
  • Educate. Help the survivor recognize they are being abused and that this behavior isn’t part of a healthy relationship. You may want to encourage them to visit with a HAVEN advocate. Our advocates are ready to listen.
  • Listen & Support. You can be most supportive by simply listening to what the survivor has to say and believing them. Remember that abuse is not an easy subject to discuss, so recognize the strength involved in telling their story. Here are 10 phrases you can say to validate a survivor who discloses abuse. Remind them that you will be there for them when they’re ready, even if that time is not now.
  • Reassure. Let the survivor know that in no way did they cause the abuse; it’s not their fault and they never deserve to feel unsafe with a partner.
  • Remind. It may help to remind survivors that they are not alone. Four in 10 people experience at least one form of coercive control by an intimate partner in their lifetime. An estimated 1.3 million women endure a physical assault by an intimate partner every year, and these numbers reflect just those who got up the courage to report. Abusers can target anyone of any gender, age range, location or socioeconomic background.
  • Create Healthy Boundaries. If your friend’s trauma is starting to feel like your own, this could be a sign of vicarious trauma, which can lead to something called compassion fatigue. It can cause you, the support person, to feel run down, depressed, on edge, irritable or hopeless. If you need to step away from helping your friend, communicate this with sensitivity. Let them know you’ve done all you can do at this moment, but it’s hard to see them in harm’s way and you need to take a temporary break. Seek help and then check in with your friend after a period of time.
Remember, while you may not be able to make choices for your friend, you can continue to offer nonjudgmental support, patience, and care. When your friend is ready to talk or seek help, Haven advocates are here and ready to listen. Whether it’s creating a safety plan, understanding their options, or simply having someone to talk to, we’re just a call away. Your steady presence and encouragement can help your friend take that first step—when they are ready.
Thanks for reading,